Thanks For The Compliment... But I'm Not Gay

"I couldn't help but notice you were looking at me as I came in. Do you mind if I have a seat for a second?" I was at a momentary loss for words as I stared at the flamboyantly gay man standing in front of me with his hand on his hip. Finally, I gathered myself, told him that I was waiting on my fiance and SHE would be back in a few minutes. He apologized, said he thought I was gay and left. Then I was left alone, waiting on my fiance to come back from the restroom, trying to figure out why this guy thought I was gay. In the four minutes she was gone, I went through three different emotional phases: denial, understanding and anger (at my fiance).

Phase #1 - Denial

Nothing about me would lead someone to believe I'm gay. I do everything a straight man is supposed to do. Sure, I cried during the movie Marley and Me, but only the first two times I saw it. Then I did the proper manly thing and swallowed my tears because real men don't cry. When my fiance and I go to the dog park and she points out how cute a particular puppy is, do I not resist the urge to run over and roll around in the grass with it? I burp, I fart and I pretend not to know what the women I work with are talking about, when they discuss the previous nights episode of Real Housewives. Do I enjoy lighting a few scented candles and taking a hot bath while listening to my Celtic Woman CD? Sure, but what man doesn't? Now that I'm writing this down I'll admit that maybe I do a few things that some people might not consider "manly". But no one else knows about them and I'm only attracted to women. So why would this guy think I'm gay? Then it hit me!

Phase #2 Understanding

The night before I was hit on, my fiance bought me a pink tie. I really didn't want it but I have to admit, when I looked in the mirror, I liked what I saw. So against my better judgement I wore it the next day to work. While at work my fiance called and asked if I wanted to meet her at a bar on the water when I got off. It seemed like a great idea because the weather was unseasonably warm for December. When I arrived at the bar, she was already there and had bought me a drink. It was some sort of daiquiri thing and had a lot of fruit and an umbrella in it. Normally, I wouldn't drink something like this but I was in a good mood and it was delicious. It's important to note that I have a bad habit of sitting with only one foot on the ground and crossing the other leg under me and sitting on it. This is how I was sitting when she announced that she was going to the restroom. Then it happened. As I sat with one leg crossed under the other, in my pink tie, drinking my frozen drink with an umbrella and fruit in it, sucking on a straw, the guy who would hit on me in a few seconds walked in. Did I notice him? How could I not notice him? He had on a tight V-neck shirt that was made out of some kind of fish net, tight pants and neon green shoes. Maybe I did stare for to long and maybe I should've taken the straw out of my mouth but I didn't. As I looked back at all this, I sort of chuckled to myself but then my chuckle turned into anger.

Phase # 3 Anger

By the time my fiance returned from the restroom, I was upset. Before she could even sit down, I started in on her. I told you I didn't want to wear this stupid tie! And why would you buy me such a girlie drink? You're lucky I don't like to waste money or I would dump it out right now! (There was no way I was dumping that drink out, it tasted like liquid heaven.) She calmed me down like only she can and asked me what was wrong. Then I told her the story and pointed out my male suitor. If I expected any sympathy from her I was disappointed. She looked at me for a few seconds, as if trying to think of the right words to say to make me feel better and then just laughed. She laughed like I had never heard her laugh before. It was the kind of laugh that is infectious and I could feel my anger slowly melting away. Before long I was laughing right along with her.

Eventually, the guy in the v-neck shirt and neon shoes came over and talked to us. We invited him to sit down and he confirmed that he thought I was gay for the very reasons I had suspected. He even stuck around and had a drink with us. This time I had a Beam and Coke.